Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She bit a glass in half.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
