What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
