When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
