now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
