You smell like a Billy Joel song
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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