THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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