you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm really busy with my period
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