Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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