At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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