i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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