You just made me feel so damn special
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
