Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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