I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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