I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
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His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is her dick bigger than yours?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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