I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
