every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
