You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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