my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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