Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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