Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
