The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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