I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
