Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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