Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
3 2 1 whiskey
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
