you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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