Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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