I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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