I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
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Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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