Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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