I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
