Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
