his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
