i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
