i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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