one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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