no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
