I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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