Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
