If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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