What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
