where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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