I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize