Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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