So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
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I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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