It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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