I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I won the penis lottery.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
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I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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