can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
