my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
