you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
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She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
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I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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