I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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