It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
