On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize